I don't even know where to begin. Today has been so overwhelming. It has no reason to be. But once you turn my mind on it just goes. I wish there was a way to just turn it off. That would probably make my life easier. (Not like I have it on much of the time anyway)
I'm a worry wart. I worry about things I probably shouldn't. I look to far into the future and freak out about stuff that I don't even need to be thinking about yet. Or I look at things that are coming up soon and freak out because they are practically here. The one thing that got my mind going is graduation in 30 days. It's not like I'm in school anymore, but graduation is the next big step in my life. It's something to mark off my list. What happens after that I don't know. Maybe nothing will change. maybe everything will change. It will be official. I'm an adult. I have to grow up. What to do with that degree? Where to go from here? What to do with my life? How to spend my time? Where do I need to work? What will I do when all my friends leave? So many questions arise. One event can cause so much worry.
I'm scared to death about where my life might be going. I feel like I have no direction, no purpose. I seem to get that way a lot. Maybe it's just because I don't consult my Father after I get settled into where I want to be. Once I figure where I am where God wants me, I slack off on devotions and asking Him about everything. I just get in a rut. Things won't go the way I plan if they aren't going the way He plans.
I add all these things to my stress level that have no right to be there. I shouldn't worry about who I'm going to marry. I shouldn't worry about where I'm going to spend my life. I shouldn't worry about anything really. Worrying doesn't help. It just makes me sick and depressed.
I don't know how many people today asked if I was ok. I'm usually loud and talkative and happy. But when my mind is weighed down, I just have no desire to exist. So I'm quiet. And that is quiet shocking.
I don't know if you can tell, but I'm freaking out. I'm just exhausted and completely drained. I have so much to do and plan for in the next coming months. I have to find a new job, eventually a place to live, have to start paying bills, planning trips, preparing for camp, join or not join a church. The to do list is never ending. I'm so use to people making the decisions for me, my parents getting me through life, other people to lean on. Now it's just me. I have to do this on my own.
I literally have been having panic attacks. There is times I just stop and think and I have a hard time breathing because I'm either scared to death or just totally overwhelmed. My chest will just hurt and my head will spin. Even right now I'm feeling a little dizzy.
So many questions and right now there are very little answers. I can't even explain everything that is going through my head right now. I just wanna curl up in my bed and stay here forever. Maybe a good cry will help.
I was reminded tonight by a good friend that I should pray. Why do I keep forgetting about the power of prayer? Why do I keep forgetting that I have people that love me and want to help me? People that are there for me? Why do I think I need to just suffer in silence and do everything on my own?
I need a schedule. A better routine.
No, what I need is God.
This is only skimming the surface of my thought pool. If people could read minds, they would just get confused in mine.
I just rambled on but maybe if you think of me you'll just pray. And now maybe I'll start praying again.
