So not knowing what you want to do with your life really sucks. What sucks worse is not knowing what God wants to do with your life. I'm halfway through my last semester of college. This all came crashing down on me yesterday. I'm going to have to start thinking about my life outside of school. Where will I live? What will I do? Who will I marry? It's all just so overwhelming. I've chosen not to think about it really all semester and now I know why. It makes my head hurt. I spent an hour in my bed crying and calling out to God last night. It made me feel better, yeah, but didn't really give me any answers. Sitting with two of my favorite little girls today in church didn't really make it better. Now, I feel like I need another good cry. I don't wanna leave Des Moines but I wanna go home. I will miss my friends, but I have no job or place to live here. I have no boyfriend to keep me here. Everything seems to be leading for me to go home. But if you turn around, I have no friends at home. I have no work at home and the closest place to work is still a half hour away. My parents just got some new property that I might be able to live but my sister would be living with me and I would be right behind my parents. Our church is not really growing and there are no potential mates down there. Also I'd only stay in one place til May. Than I'll be back in Ankeny for graduation than me and the family are off on deputation for a few months. So really my head and life is just in a mess right now. I tell myself I need to pray about it but I don't seem to take enough time to pray. I've tried to get back into my Bible and I've been learning so much over my time here at FBBC. I've made some really Godly friends and made some really good friends. I haven't found a man and that's another thing that has been driving me crazy. I know I should be content in whatever state I'm in. but it's hard to be happy when you're so lonely and confused. I wish God would just open a door and say "Here ya go!" Than push me through it. But unfortunately, God doesn't exactly work that way. I have a paper, a test, memory verses, and reading that I have to do and I just have no desire or drive to get any of it done. I have to push through the rest of my semester but at this point I really don't want to because that means I have to start growing up and thinking about life. Why does life have to be so tough? We all wonder this. I know that my dependence and trust right now should be on God. But I'm not gonna lie, it gets really hard sometimes.
I have had so much fun getting to know my friends so much better this year. Having Geoff around has made for a lot of fun and crazy times. Getting to know Thomas better has been awesome and I have made yet another great guy friend. I have adjusted well to being away from Meghan. I've loved getting to know Sonjia better. And I've learned that I don't get along with everybody. It's been a growing year and I've made many lasting relationships. I should be happy for all the growing I have done. Dwell on the good things not the bad. But again it gets hard. But I've survived this far. I just need to suck it up and press toward the mark.
